Your assignment, should you choose...

... to accept it, is to write your own "welcome to the company" email. Errr, write my own welcome email that details my many workplace achievements as well as past employers that serve to mark me as qualified or worthy? Welcome. Email.

It will be short.

This is all a way of saying that I was finally converted to a full-time employee, no more of this contractor-no-vacation-or-sick-days riff-raff. So, Huzzah! This has been in the works for almost a month or so and since I technically start my new position on Monday I thought I could now write about it. Didn't want to, you know, jinx it and stuff... *twisting toe back and forth on ground*

Among the firsts in this process was the salary negotiation. That was interesting. The HR person really gave me the hard sell, detailing my many inadequacies. This was all, of course, an attempt on their part to get me to accept the low first offer. Little did they know that I prepared for such tactics by having people heap ridiculous amounts of praise on me while simultaneously figuring out my mental negotiating outfit: dark pin-stripe suit complimented by some worn in and well used cowboy boots.... there may have been a broom handle stuffed up the back of the suit as well. Of course, I don't own a dark pin-stripe suit and I didn't walk around with a broom handle stuffed up the back of my shirt. No matter. These little mental images and ego boosters from friends did the trick. I performed beautifully, parrying every snide comment on my lack of experience or location with a skill that both surprised and delighted me. Somehow I don't think they want achievements such as this detailed in the Welcome Email.

ps. I'm now open to suggestions for my task. I was thinking of something along the lines of, "_______, a Sagittarius with strong undercurrents of Scorpio, loves food and travel... particularly when the two are combined." As you can now plainly see, I got nuttin'.


kungfuramone said...

I know we already talked about this yesterday, but one other suggestion: take the beauty paegant approach:

"E was raised in a loving family environment, where she worked hard at school and always dreamed of being a homemaker. She loves horses and hopes to work for world peace."

That kind of thing.

boxfactoryboy said...

Well, maybe "girl from a small central washington city eager to make some money and get on with life". Or, or,or, I worked hard in school, did a environmental research trip to china. Did student teaching in Germany and toured as a bonus. Maybe that you did competitive soccer from kindergarten to varsity college and played on a team that had the US Womens National team goalkeeper on it. That you enjoy research, reading , photography and family. Well, that ought to get you started.

Matto said...

Congrats on the finalization of the job, though I can't concentrate enough to help with the welcome because of the heat and the motorcycle exhaust.

The Bandit said...

If you tell them that you are related to me then that should suffice.

Rachel said...

congrats! I'm sorry, I have no suggestions. I'm absolutely awful at these. Huzzah for leave days!